Surviving A Sadist

Many of us as women have experienced some form of sexual assault in our lives. Honestly, it’s becoming some sorta of hazing ritual to welcome us to womanhood… way before we reach sexual maturity (in most cases). Whether it’s been “just” an inappropriate remark or even an uncomfortable stare… we’ve all experienced some form of harassment by our male counterparts that we didn’t welcome. And me telling the story I’m about to share, doesn’t at all minimize any of those experiences… so, please don’t feel belittled in your encounters or made to feel “it was nothing”… because it is. And your story matters just as much as mine or any other little girl or woman whose gone through any circumstance where she was made to feel unsafe or eery in her own body, her own shell, her, well, own. Now, on to one of my stories of great resiliency. Probably, well, definitely the most horrific one I’ve got in this department. Sadistic. Sexual. Assault. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I’m guessing you haven’t. And if you have, you’re probably thinking it has to do with a satanic ritual, right? But you’d be wrong. It’s a rare but specific type of sex crime that isn’t common (hence -rare- duh, sorry) but, leaves a long lasting impact that you will never fully heal from or forget. I promise. It’s more than unwanted touching, forced intercourse, physical attacks, and verbal outbursts… it’s guilt, humiliation, torture, blood, sweat, and tears… like right out of a horror movie! And it’s unfathomable! When I was 11 years old and Mr. Michael Myers (as we will call him as I am not going to officially name drop him and it’s fitting since only a psychopath in a horror film could commit such acts) was 16. I was friends with his baby sister who was sweet as candy! The complete opposite of him! And everyday we would come to each other’s houses and swim, play with barbies, jump on the trampoline, dress up, sing karaoke, etc… it was nice… untill it wasn’t. Her brother had a serious case of Reactive Attachment Disorder. This is a Mental Health Disorder that is acquired in early childhood due to not forming a healthy bond with a caregiver in those keen years of emotional development. This is often linked to severe cases of abuse, neglect, frequent foster home changes, among other things. Although this lead him to make some very evil choices in his life, not all children with RAD have the same fate. Anyway, it started off with inappropriate comments on my appearance, then groping, which lead to more intrusive touching and eventually rape. But nothing could prepare me for how it ended… He was an, um, nteresting abuser (for lack of a better term). He was most aroused by games of violence and great embarrassment… such as mutilation and shame. He would do things like burn me with lit cigarettes, cut me with broken beer bottles, write mortifying things on me with gel pens (sometimes to the point I bled and was left scarring) that I would have to keep hidden from my family, which he found hilarious btw and always wanted to know in detail every time I jumped or had to think quick to cover up my “trademarks” from him. It was really twisted and sick and I don’t think I truly knew how much so until I got much much older. He was also extremely into bondage and he would “mix it up”. Sometimes he would let it be loose so he could watch me struggle then other times he’d have it very tight so he could have his way without a fight… To this day I can still feel the pain during flashbacks and other times when I’m really feeling those types of pain I can dull it to the background like I did all those years ago! It’s funny how that mind works when faced with horrific trauma. But our bodies are built to adapt and survive. And that’s what we just have to do. Fight. And win.