Dissociation and OSDD/PDID

Dissociation comes in a variety of forms and levels. We have ALL experienced it to some degree… whether it be driving a frequent route and not recalling much of the trip… or as severe as Dissociative Identity Disorder. And how far into this black hole we have fallen, often depends on our mental health and trauma history… and for me, it goes pretty deep. I am diagnosed with Other Specified Dissociative Disorder Type 1, as explained in the DSM 5 (most comparable with the ICD 11 Partial DID diagnosis). While this isn’t quite as significant as Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Multiple Personality Disorder), it is more serious than say, depersonalization or derealization (although both of these are still major disruptions to the lives of those they effect, as these are included in both DID and OSDD symptoms as well so I know from experience how difficult they are to live with regardless of where they fall on the dissociation spectrum). With OSDD the biggest difference to DID is, your amnesia between personality transitions is either very very minute or completely absent altogether and/or the personalities are not distinct enough from each other (one example being the “alters” are all the same person but at different ages). For me, I have distinctive personalities who are completely different from each other but I lack amnesia almost completely and the amnesia I do have is incredibly micro and I rarely ever switch and IF I do, it’s only during extenuating circumstances like great emotional distress or perceived bodily threat, for example. With OSDD I also get, as mentioned previously, episodes of depersonalization and derealization. With depersonalization, it’s literally an outer body experience. I can’t describe it as anything other than when you’re having a dream about yourself… because you’re watching yourself from outside your own body… but awake. It’s so eerie and, for me, not at all pleasurable. If anything, it gives me the absolute creeps to be honest. And then derealization is almost the complete opposite… you feel very grounded within yourself but everything around you feels distorted and bizarre. You know where you are but it looks so warped and feels so unfamiliar to you. It’s like you exist but for the moment, you question if anything else does. Even when you know without a doubt, it most certainly does… because this is your home, your family, your town, yours, yours, yours, but you’re getting de ja vu like it’s supposed to be somewhere you were in a past life or something. Odd, to say the least! Another thing that’s interesting about OSDD and other similar mental illnesses is, people think alters only exist during switches but the truth is they are ALWAYS there. They are like a committee in your brain that constantly have a conference in your thoughts with you and call meetings for every decision debating how “we” should respond or what “we” should do. I’m never alone because they are always there giving unwanted advice and input and sometimes even trying to take the wheel of my body on every little confrontation, option, emotion, expense, etc… it’s like having a poly relationship, multiple parents, caregivers, power of attorney, and any other person who has the right to  have say over your life living in home and going everywhere with you 24/7/365! It’s stressful and not as entertaining as the movies want to make it seem. It’s rough and debilitating for me! I can’t speak for others, of course. But I am definitely learning more and more everyday how to cope with it and how to better function in day to day life! Some of the saddest parts are, having a hard time remembering some of the most precious things life has given you like your wedding, pregnancies, birth of your children, wonderful childhood experiences, etc… but with that you are also spared from some of the most gruesome details of what caused you to reach this diagnosis in the first place… and I guess in this life, every positive comes with a negative, right?