BPD -Borderline Personality Disorder-

I’ve spoken on my OSDD/PDID and Schizoaffective Bipolar 1 Type diagnoses in the past… but I also have this and complex PTSD. But today, I’m going to go over how BPD looks for me and the DSM 5 definition of this mental illness as well. For starters, it’s not medical like Schizoaffective or 100% always trauma linked (but tends to be most of the time) like OSDD/PDID and C-PTSD… instead, it’s a personality disorder. A personality disorder is characterized by “inflexible and unhealthy patterns of behavior and thinking” that differ from cultural/societal norms. And with Borderline Personality Disorder, specifically, these patterns of behavior and thinking include, emotional instability with shifts from extreme and intense emotions of all sorts, like, rage/anger, happiness/excitement, depression/sadness, loneliness, fear, shame, love, hatred, etc… that are way above the normal level of feelings that cause significant distress to the point of physical symptoms (like stomach cramps, headaches, skin crawling, vomiting, fatigue, palpitations, dizziness, dissociations, and more)… to an uncomfortable and eery sensation of emptiness, hallowness, and numbness (which can at times be worse than the alternative or seem like a break from it), impulsivity or risk taking (I don’t deal with this personally, I’m quite the opposite actually and very cautious), fears of abandonment so serious that they go to extreme measures to either avoid abandonment or leave before they can be left (I tend to do the second), periods of splitting or black and white thinking where everything is all one or nothing and grey areas and both isn’t existent, for example, a good person can’t do bad things or a bad person can’t do good things and you even sometimes get these views about your own self despite evidence against both yourself or others (I’ve had this happen numerous times like when someone did something bad to me I automatically seen them as evil and all the good had to be suddenly fake cause no one who did THAT could have been capable of doing any good REALLY -which just isn’t the case as I know now-), trouble with sense of self and identity and establishing exactly what that is (I had a lot of issues with this in my teen years but have come a long way and have little to no trouble with it now), self harm or suicidal ideation is high and so hard to recover from because this is known to be one of IF not THE most painful mental health conditions out there (I, personally, no longer self harm but I still have urges and it has took a lot of work to get where I am today and I’m so proud and anyone else who has stopped hurting themselves or continued living when you didn’t want to… applause, you are so strong and I am so so proud of your accomplishment! Keep it up! You are meant to be here alive and well. Don’t give up. Fight. You are wanted, loved, and needed. I promise. ❤️), etc…  This feels as sick as your mind can get at times, pain wise. It’s pure agony. It’s like someone cut off a limb in your brain and left you to bleed out with nerves exposed to be trampled by a herd of bulls! But with proper treatment and your own will to see better days there is hope! A dull ache may always linger and you may never fully wipe the suffering away… but you can get to a place where it’s bearable and a real smile IS possible. A life of enjoyment can be lived. And you can feel the warmth of the light at the end of the tunnel. And that, that, will be a beautiful moment that you’ll never forget. So give yourself some grace and understand you’re worth having contentment and pleasure in your day to day… darkness doesn’t have to be the majority. It CAN BE the minority. Just allow someone to help you that’s trained to do so because their knowledge and your experience of being YOU is a powerful combination in your future satisfaction in possessing the ability to breath and have a beating heart that feels good and not like a burden. This is your sign. Get help. And get better. You earned it!