C – PTSD

You’ve heard of PTSD. But have you heard of it’s less talked about sub type, C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? Well, as someone who suffers from this very real mental injury (this is how I refer to all trauma related stressor disorders), I think I would be a good candidate to start the conversation on what it looks like by clinical definition and my real day to day lived experience suffering from this condition. I know the most common known cause for PTSD is war exposure in the military and C-PTSD (for those who’ve heard of it) is being a soldier held in captivity by the opposing enemy during these wars… but I think it’s becoming more apparent in society as well accepted that trauma comes in many shapes and forms and PTSD and C-PTSD can form in the minds of many who have been through those event/s. So, let’s start off with the basics. To be diagnosed with C-PTSD, you have to have the core symptoms of PTSD present first and foremost. These are hypervigilance (being a human high security system, constantly scanning for threats), nightmares (bad dreams about the events), flashbacks (like dreams but while you’re awake that come suddenly in a flash about the events), intrusive thoughts (memories that force their way into your mind about the event), and  avoidance of things that trigger the trauma’s memory (this could be places, people, objects, etc…). With PTSD you have to have exposure to a single traumatic event that resulted or could have resulted in death or serious injury to oneself or others but with C-PTSD you have to have lived through a prolonged or repeated trauma (such as childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, sex trafficking, severe bullying, etc…) or multiple significant traumas in your lifetime even if unrelated (I fall into all 4 categories for PTSD & C-PTSD). With C-PTSD there are additional symptoms to the ones listed above and they are, persistent feelings of shame/guilt, difficulty in regulating emotions and maintaining relationships, disturbances in identity and self concept, higher risk of co occuring mental illnesses and substance abuse, preoccupation with perpetrator, detachment/dissociation, low self esteem or self worth, among many other symptoms. I’ve actually heard many people try to argue BPD as being misunderstood as C-PTSD, however, I disagree as this can occur without the trauma, C-PTSD cannot. For me, C-PTSD is probably the mental illness I’ve made the most progress with over the years but has also impacted my  functionality the most when it was at its worst. Schizoaffective Bipolar 1 Type was easily treated when I got on the right medication, DID was manageable when I learned to co-exist and work in collaboration with my alters, and BPD, well, that is my biggest struggle now but C-PTSD was definitely worse when it was at its peak. It took over my whole life. It followed me when I tried to escape in my sleep through nightmares, I couldn’t run away in my wake as it would consume me during flashbacks and I’d relive it again, I’d try to keep busy to not think about it but intrusive thoughts/memories would barge in and make me think about it when I really really just wanted to forget for a while, and I could never relax and just be. I was always scared, on edge, looking over my shoulder and waiting for the next bad thing to happen. And honestly, I still do. But it’s a lot more watered down now. I can check the locks 3 times instead of 300. I can look over my shoulder twice instead of a dozen times. I can check on my kids to make sure they’re alive once before bed and once at night, maybe 2, and only freak out at the 1st  middle of the night check. And I do have to at least one, preferably first or I will talk to myself in my head until the second about if I had just checked the first time, they would be ok because I would have found them in time to fix whatever went wrong. It used to be 100s. So that’s really good for me. Lots of Moms do that with newborns. I just do it with my older kids. But since I didn’t go, I did this. The same thing I say caused Leyton Quin, even though Quin survived, barely and the doctors gave me medical causes and ruled negligent homicide or manslaughter out. Tragic accident. Still can’t shake it. I’m their Mother. I had one job. And I failed. And half failed. That’s it. Can’t change my mind.  It’s my fault. I can go into public places while keeping all the panic chatter in my head and appearing calm on the outside instead of doing absolutely everything online because I couldn’t even step out of my car in the parking lot without everything starting to look distorted and warped, smelling odd, tasting strange when I had nothing in my mouth, and feeling like the world was like looking through a kaleidoscope  and my body freezing and my feet planting so hard to the ground while “I” float out of it and watch from above and slightly to the side… it was rough y’all. So, so hard. And I pray nothing ever sends me back there because I don’t know if I could scrounge up enough strength to crawl out of that black hole again. It devours you. And doesn’t want to let you go. Shew, that was a lot. Sorry. Got a little in my head and went off script. Here’s a from the heart post. Be gentle. 🫶🏼