The Single 2 Most Traumatic Events Of My Life Break Down… losing and almost losing my baby boys

I lost a child, Leyton Case Brice. He was a newborn. 6 weeks 4 days old. At home. Positional Asphyxiation related to Torticollis was the ruling after autopsy. Accidental. I blame myself. I laid him on a pillow pet strapped in. I had done it before and with other children. So stupid, trust me I know this WELL now.  But this time because of his condition it ended badly. I attempted suicide by ODing on my Seroquel 600 mg brand new 30 count fresh from the pharmacy… another incredibly stupid thing to do. I had TWO other baby boys to take care of! Why traumatize them worse?? And because of that, I went to an all women mental health facility (I have androphobia) for 3 months straight. My ex had me committed after I was found on my Dad’s grave passed out earlier that day from crying exhaustion then did that… I had gone insane. Truly. They say it was because he had issues like Quinn now. Because they had no physical evidence supporting the original theory anyway. But I still believe that. Quin had a cardiacs arrest and went into vtac and vfib when he was 3 months old. This was due to near SUDEP (sudden unexpected death in epilepsy). During the seizure he had also choked on rice formula. I forgot what it was called. It had a pink band around the can. But he choked on it. It was made to help with reflux. He would projectile vomit standard formulas. Even alimentum. He almost died. Like, he was really really close. Now he has severe brain damage because of it. I found out I was pregnant with him right after my other son died. In the hospital for the suicide attempt actually. It’s been rough. But I don’t deserve everything I’ve been blessed with. I deserve hell. I don’t know why I’ve been forgiven and gifted with so much. This isn’t how things should’ve ended for me. But for my kids sake, I’m glad it did. And maybe that’s why. I’ll likely get mine when mine doesn’t affect theirs. And I’ve accepted that. It is what it is. You reap what you sow. As long as they get the world of wonder they are owed. My destiny doesn’t matter.