Death

Death isn’t the goal before the goal here has been met. Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to go now. Well, at least most don’t. At least not out loud. I know heaven is paradise and a beautiful eternity. But I want my life involving my children on earth fulfilled before I pass to the next chapter of my soul’s destiny. Wherever that is. It’s hard to say since my ignorance has lead to so much tragedy. Will I have to pay for that? Only the higher power can decide that. I can only keep doing the best I can and hope my heart is seen over my mistakes. A long, satisfying life is what all good hearts deserve. And because of my idiocy, unfortunately, one innocent, pure, baby boy wasn’t gifted with that dream. He had his life cut short as a mere newborn infant. 6 weeks 4 days old, he was here then he wasn’t. Because my love blinded my common sense. And since that day I have drifted from God. I began to fear their plan. Before I trusted what they had coming for me and mine completely. I never questioned what the next day held because I knew they had it taken care of… but the harsh reality is that things like this happen and you can’t change it. This ultimately ruined my view of what faith was back then. It altered it in a way I could never repair… and I don’t know how to praise God with this new information that free will can overtake what’s meant to be… that I can do everything morally and with love and good intentions and praise God so loud and proud… and rejoice their name in front of anyone and everyone… and still lose the one thing I asked them not to take. The only request I didn’t want wavered or negotiated. That God may not step in and protect them from even me and my stupidity.  That I could and would suffer the biggest loss possible to humankind (the loss of a child) and the Lord and Savior would allow it to transcend. Confirm the transaction. Approve it to follow through. And I’m left, living without the very beings that keep me alive. It happened once, almost twice (more than once with Quin). What’s stopping them from doing it again? The unknown of that eats at me. It tears me apart. I can’t handle the unanswered questions of will I outlive another sweet boy of mine? I’m so careful and cautious now. I do everything right. But is that enough? What if they want one back anyway? Will another move on before I do? If they do, will I survive it again for the others? How could I? I attempted suicide the first time… I was out of my mind. Then a round two? I don’t know if I could handle it. They say God won’t send you more than you can handle… but I’m drowning every day just breathing while knowing he never will again. I struggle to get out of bed and be, well, here. People say “I don’t know how you do it.” “I couldn’t do it.” “You’re stronger than me.” But am I? Am I really? I wasn’t given a choice. I have little ones looking at me for guidance. Watching me on what to do when things go wrong. I can’t give up for them. Not for me, but them. So am I actually handling it well? When I don’t want to REALLY be here anymore? I simply keep on keeping on because they need to see that. They need to see Mommy fight her demons and smile despite the obstacles she’s had knock her down again and again. They need to know you CAN get up and move forward when behind you there’s a life of pain and agony. I want better for them. I want more resilience for them. That doesn’t honestly and truly exist in me.  I only strive for the best for me and that appearance of it existing in me because what happens to me affects them directly. If it didn’t, I’d fall apart and wither away into the abyss. Lose myself in a void of suffering until nothing was left. Because that’s what I tell myself I deserve. I deserve to be in bed somewhere with what I’ve done on repeat in my mind as I cry endlessly until my body loses the battle to malnutrition and dehydration and exits life as I know it now. But the boys don’t deserve to lose their loving Mother and feel like they weren’t good enough to live for. Like Leyton’s life was more of an impact than theirs… so I succumbed to the loss of his rather than battling the agony for theirs. So here I am, going to war with myself and giving these boys the Mommy they deserve. Because they are worth more than I see in the mirror. And that’s just what it is.