Rix’s Birth : “One more push”
“AAAAHHHHH”
“wwawaahhhh”
Sits a beautiful crying blue eyed baby boy on my chest… He stops crying and looks at me… I get filled with a love I’ve never known. So strong I can physically feel it under my skin and in the middle of my bones…
“I look around the room. I see his Father and my Mother. Tears roll down my eyes and I say, “That’s mine. He’s mine. My baby. I love him.”
Zared’s Birth :
I feel him come out but he doesn’t cry. I’m confused. I’m not sure if I should be worried. The doctors mess with him and get a little whimper. I ask, “Is he ok?” They reply, “Yes he’s just looking around and so alert, and curious about all of this, wanna see him?” Then they proceed to hand him over and I swear he truly smiles and the biggest dimples form in his cheeks and I realize then the fear I couldn’t love him like Rix was a thing of the past. Both these boys were gonna be my world.
Leyton’s Birth :
I lay eyes on him for the first time and he has so much wisdom in his eyes. He peaks at me from the side of his eye. I have pictures and one video of this exact look that never left him while he was here. I think, he looks like he’s been here before. An old soul as they call it. He’s so calm and still. Doesn’t seem scared or curious. Just at rest like it’s all familiar to him and he already has everything figured out. I think about this often now. Was he ever really who I thought he was? Was he God visiting? Was he one of these angels visiting? Was he something more than just a brand new baby boy? Maybe one day I’ll know.
Leyton’s Death :
Zared wakes up crying. I walk in the room right by Leyton. I tip toe so not to be too loud. I turn on the bathroom light instead of the room light so I don’t wake the baby up. I start to lay down next to Zared, but first I look over at Leyton and notice his scalp is white as snow. My heart begins to race and a lump forms in my throat. I kiss Zared and rub his belly and tell him to give Mommy a second. I hesitantly walk to the door and turn the light on. I unstrap Leyton and pick him up. He looks like himself but his skin is an ashy grey. I rub my finger down his nose and lips but there’s no response. The truth hits me and I scream “LEYTON’S DEAD!”. Everything goes black. And my memory becomes fuzzy from there.
Quin’s Birth :
The doppler alarms. The nurses and doctor run in. “We got to get this baby out NOW!” “Why? Is he ok?”, I said. “His numbers are dropping. He’s in distress.”, the nurse answers. My Mom, “Can you do an emergency C section?” “There’s no time.”, the doctor responds. They get him out. My Mom sees the cord is around his neck and he’s not breathing. They call the NICU down and begin resuscitation efforts. (I was unaware of this at this point. They knew my history with Leyton and concealed it from me in these moments.) They got him stable and wrapped him up and brought him to me. I noticed his eyes were unaligned and his had tremors. They excused it away and I was suspicious but didn’t push the issue because I didn’t want to ruin my first moment with him. But later I learned he had Delayed Visual Maturation, Mild HIE, and possible seizures from his cord prolapse. He was in the NICU for 2 weeks. He was left with mild delays and disabilities from this event.
Quin’s Near – SUDEP :
I woke up to him crying for his regular feed. He was bottle fed due to a weak sucking reflex and then we went back to sleep. I was startled awake by his body flailing into mine. When I opened my eyes he was extremely pale, eyes stuck open, and jerking very forcefully and abruptly. I picked him up and ran to my Mother In Law’s room and put him on her bed. I screamed for her to do something and she said she was calling 911 and told me to start CPR because at some point of me waking up and getting him across the trailer he had ceased breathing (we later realized he threw up during the seizure at some point and choked on his rice formula he had for reflux… as it fell out his mouth when the paramedics grabbed him and rushed him to the ambulance… it wasn’t there in the beginning cause the first thing I checked was his airways for any signs of choking). And then we all went to the hospital and waited to see if another baby in the family was gone forever. Luckily, he survived this after a few deadly heart arrhythmias (vtac and vfib) and 24 hours worth of seizures and severe brain damage leading to his now significant disabilities and medical complexities.
And that’s it. The single moments I can never forget. Some I often reminisce on and others I try to wipe my memory of. All big parts of why I am who I am today. And what makes my world function the way it does. Much love and I wish peace for anyone out there suffering in silence. Speak your truth. It really is so relieving and empowering. Trust me. But no pressure either. I wouldn’t ever want to push you into something you’re not comfortable with at all. So, yeah. Stay safe out there. And take care of yourselves. You matter. So much. Muah. 🫶🏼
Cede Dawn Chronicles 
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