What works when I have bad days? We’re not always ok. And that’s ok!

Most people think mediation, deep breathing, quiet, calm, etc… are helpful for them when things are especially hard. But that makes things harder for me. The stillness and silence leaves room for thinking and memories. It’s an open space to make things worse by adding to what is already tough to handle. If I’m thinking about the loss of my son or Quin’s difficult life… my sadistic sexual molestation, Dad’s murder, domestic violence, or what have you will take that emptiness as an opportunity to fill in the gaps with more trauma to create more pain and despair to keep miserable company with the agony I’m already facing. So, for me, I need busy. I need chaos. I need to clean, go on an adventure, my boys filling the room with noise, chaos, laughter, and fun, Quin getting into everything and keeping me on my toes, and just leaving no capacity for suffering. Sleeping is so hard for me because it’s the only time I can’t find that because you can’t do that anymore when it’s time to settle down… and get the rest your body needs to do it all again  the next day. I often cry myself to sleep dealing with all I have avoided that day with the mayhem. I’m not alone with my thoughts but,  eye to eye with my troubles and I can’t hide or run away no more. So I am forced to feel that torment until my body finally gives up and drifts to sleep until the next day arrives and the cycle starts again. It’s hell. And it’s hard. But it’s me. It’s what I do everyday. That’s trauma. That’s grief. That’s tragedy. And you really just never know what someone doesn’t say. So be kinder. We all go through things we don’t talk about. And for me, this blog is changing that. I’m speaking about it. I’m saying what most don’t. And it’s been an outlet I’ve needed for so long. The relief has been tremendous. And whether no one reads it or millions read it, it feels good to get it out and put on a fake persona of “I’m fine” no more. Because, sometimes I’m not. And that’s ok. And it is for you too. We’re human. And being a human is normal and healthy. Much love.