Self Harm Continued…

When I self harmed, I used cutting and burning. While I know those are both common ways to do it, I often wonder if I chose those because of my past with sadistic sexual molestation. He used many forms of torture and humiliation tactics (as I speak about in more detail in another blog post) but those 2 were his go to. He used many different objects to commit the act, however, I only used a razor I broke out of a shaving razor and a lighter. I never aimed at suicide with cutting and always went a horizontal path to avoid such and with the lighter I didn’t directly use the fire but, instead, would tip it and get the metal part really hot and, like, brand myself basically. It was far less painful that way.  Most people wouldn’t understand why anyone would inflict physical torment on themselves like that but it really does help when you are in such intense emotional agony. The sudden, abrupt OUCH somehow stops what’s going on inside of you for a moment and all you can focus on is the bodily sensation you’re experiencing that very instant. It’s usually not self punishment as most stereotype it to be. It’s a break from a far more sinister hurt. One that’s harder to handle and work through. The kind that gets overwhelming and impossible to bear at times. I hope that brings more awareness and understanding of what self harm is about. It doesn’t make it healthy or excusable. And there’s definitely better ways to cope and I have found and utilize those now. But maybe, just maybe, this explanation gives comprehension that decreases the judgement and raises the sympathy for such a difficult topic. Again, much love. And take care of yourselves. You’re worth a happily ever after. Muah. 😘