My own words sent shivers down my spine. It was like a gut punch by the reality of it.

On the shallow end this question would either be really hard or really easy  to answer. It would be hard because you could choose from many blatantly obvious choices like when you had a baby, got a job, got keys to your first car or place, got married, etc… but one could argue many of those things could technically be done by a minor who is not exactly an adult by legal or societal definition or interpretation. For me, it’s a little deeper than that. I think I first felt like an adult when my way of thinking changed for the maturity of things. And that doesn’t have a number of years born attached to it… but life experience, growth, wisdom, realization, trials and tribulations, understanding for what is deemed not understandable, compassion, a minimum of 25 years because that’s how long it takes for the brain to fully develop and so so much more. So. Much. More. For me it would’ve happened around 19 after having my first child then admitting myself to a CSU immediately upon hospital release of us both… But I wasn’t 25. So, what did it for me was,  Leyton’s 1st birthdate. When my first seasonal reliving it started. I forget about him all year basically… but from his birthdate to his death anniversary I relive it in my head all over again… EVERY… SINGLE… YEAR… so far for the last 8 years!!!! It’s been rough. Once I realized I would never be over it that first year, I altered. Significantly. And that was the first time I felt like a grown up. The innocence that makes you a child… was gone. I made it to adulthood.