Losing A Child And Selfishly Wanting to Take Them Back From Paradise

I love my son. I want what’s best for him. But before I die, I feel what’s best for him is being with me. His Mother. In those days, no one can love him better/more than me, right? Am I wrong? God does? Really? That’s so hard to accept. My kids are my whole world. They mean everything to me. I would do literally anything for all 4 of them. Anything. Even lose my spot in beautiful heaven where I long to be everyday I breath. It’s so hard to even do that without my baby boy. I only continue because my littles surviving deserve the same Mother I was before Leyton died. And they will get that. Period. Happy, healthy, full of life, deep in love with Motherhood, healed from past trauma and deep pain, able to ignore all the things wrong in her life because the children she bear was the life of hers that only mattered now, and gentle, kind, patient, etc…. I love them as much as I loved Leyton. I need to be the best Mother for them just as much as I miss Leyton. It’s equal. So I take that 50% on Leyton’s side and pretend he don’t exist the majority of the time and give Rix, Zared, and Quin 100%. Because they are here and able to accept what I have to give. Leyton can’t. So I can’t lose any of me to who can’t receive what the others lose. Can’t do it. It hurts, but it’s just how it is. One of those real it is what it is scenarios. That’s why I don’t understand if the bible says we’re God’s kids… how could he ever ask us at the end to never deny him… not even if it means our babies die in front of us… cause you could allow that to happen to us? And call us your children? I don’t understand. I would do and say anything to save mine. You don’t understand that as my parent? Christian God is a really harsh man. That’s why I know that “he” isn’t the real God. I’ve felt the real God. THEY are nothing but love, compassion, understanding, and more! They’d never turn you away for sparing your little ones’ to life. Not my God. 🤷🏼‍♀️