Blog Posts

I self harmed from age 14 to 19. I only stopped because I had Rix and you could lose your child for doing that. So after I had him I went to the Cherokee Health Systems CSU (crisis stabilization unit) for 120 hours (supposed to be 72 hours, I almost had to transfer to a…

My Body Is Something I Thought Was Only Mine… But You Came Along And Changed My Mind… I Begged And Pleaded, Said No And Stop… But You Dehumanized Me And Treated Me As A Prop… A Prop For Your Enjoyment… Sexual Intimacy, I’m Now Avoidant… Forced On Me What You Wanted… Told Me That My…

Once Upon A Time… You Were Mine… In Public We Laughed… I Spoke Highly On Your Behalf… But A Dark Secret Hid Behind Closed Doors… You and I At Constant War… New Bruises Covering The Healed…  Praying To God The Next Time I Wasn’t Killed… Faking A Smile So The Kids Don’t Know… Burning Inside…

“Hi Emmarie. I’m Mrs. Smith. And I’m going to be your therapist. So tell me a little about yourself.” “Um. I’m Emmarie. Well, um, yeah, you already know that. I’m new here.  And I’m new to this. My family doesn’t really believe in this kind of thing. But I do. And um yeah I think…

Rix’s Birth : “One more push” “AAAAHHHHH” “wwawaahhhh” Sits a beautiful crying blue eyed baby boy on my chest… He stops crying and looks at me… I get filled with a love I’ve never known. So strong I can physically feel it under my skin and in the middle of my bones… “I look around…

Death isn’t the goal before the goal here has been met. Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to go now. Well, at least most don’t. At least not out loud. I know heaven is paradise and a beautiful eternity. But I want my life involving my children on earth fulfilled before…

Most people think mediation, deep breathing, quiet, calm, etc… are helpful for them when things are especially hard. But that makes things harder for me. The stillness and silence leaves room for thinking and memories. It’s an open space to make things worse by adding to what is already tough to handle. If I’m thinking…

The RV engine turns off. She’s facing the building where her new therapist awaits. Is this a good idea? Could the preacher be right? Could her Mother be right? Did she make a mistake leaving them behind, cutting them off, and starting this new life? She felt fear and regret filling her stomach and quickly…